OK, so it should be made known first and foremost that im new to the blog scene. So this is NOT gonna be the most fluid, most easily navigated, or most well formed and concieved read you will find. This is for ME to have my little forum to vent, to acknowlege, to solicit, and to just be me. You may laugh, you may scratch your head in confusion, you may cry, you may get mad, you may agree...or disagree, you may need a long break or a vacation after reading my posts, or you may require a stiff drink! You may even be inspired, or feel a bit nostalgic, or optimistic. However you feel, go with it.
Let me start by saying... I need this! This is my way of getting everything thats bottled up inside out of there! Theirs limited space in my head, as anyone that knows me will affirm! I have ALOT of varied topics rolling around up there in the space in which a normal human sized brain WOULD occupy, therefore you may never find a larger variety of topics anywhere your journeys may take you! One paragraph to the next, you may be bombarded with 20 separate thoughts and 20 separate emotions to ride shotgun alongside... SO BE PREPARED! Much like my life has increasingly become with each year, this is a rollercoaster ride that you may be begging to stop... and luckily for all of you, you can just navigate away from the page, never to return should that be your desire. I cannot escape as easily however, for this is my inner demons at work, or my angels in all of their uplifting glory. Its a thought process. Its how I deal with heartbreak and tragedy, pain and emotional suffering, and it will be quite a trippy ride to see how this comes out for any and all eyes to read. I will share the successes and defeats, the smiles and the tears, and (spoiler alert!) sometimes life is just not a pretty thing that can be put into charming and uplifting, encouraging words.
It seems that very little has went in a good direction for me personally since my dad passed away in January of 2009. ( Thank you GOD that You are hangin with him in Heaven) My thought process seems incomplete moreso than ever! I cant seem to make a good decision in much of anything anymore! Dad knew when a woman was a good woman, as he held onto my mom for 45 years of marriage. I couldnt even make a marriage work a quarter of that time! Dads advice was always very smooth, concise, and full of wisdom from many years of experiences. He disguised his intelligence carefully, and always reminded me "dont tell everything you know." I miss his talks, because they always surprised me and always made sense to me. He knew what I needed when i needed it. My world is tinted with grays and blacks without him here, but his memory and everything he has made me brightens things more daily when I begin to institute them into life. Its just a slow process when you keep getting emotionally batted around and cant seem to find your stability. I never feel like im where im supposed to be, and ive been lots of places!
Its devestating to lose your dad for anyone that hasnt. If youre close to him, and you love him. If hes ever done anything for you, or everything for you in my case, its something that you just find almost inconceivable to recover from! You miss him on his birthday. You miss him on your birthday. You miss him on Veterans Day. You miss him on the 4th of July. You miss him on Fathers Day. You miss him on your kids birthdays (ive got 3, so thats 3 days of the year extra!). You miss him on Thanksgiving. You miss him on Christmas. You miss him on the anniversary of the fall, and the 4 subsequent days until he passed away. You miss him EVERY SINGLE DAY of your life when you wake up, knowing hes not going to be pulling in your driveway, he wont be sitting on his porch, he wont be watching CNN while laying on his couch. A year and a half later, its still just as hard! He wont see any of my kids graduate! I know he was ready to get outta this world, and cant blame him for leaving me behind. He did all he could do for me. He prepared me and gave me my foundation. The GREAT things about me, I owe to my dad and my mom. The worst things about me, I owe to not taking their advice and trying things either my way or others way.
When you have fewer and fewer things to look forward to in life... be it your kids growing up and getting ever closer to leaving the home youve done your best to provide, another failed relationship that brings heartache and an emotional crash landing in an ocean of tears, unfulfilling jobs, losing a friend, parent, sibling... whatever it is, you find yourself looking for something to replace what is fleeting. Once that initial brick in your wall is punched out, it becomes easier for more bricks to fall away, and before long, the wall that supports yourself is crumbled and broken in a pile before you. Before you can rebuild, theirs a cleanup involved. Youve gotta pick up all those pieces, some you can reuse, some are so decimated that theirs nothing to salvage, but you MUST find more bricks to rebuild that wall... replacing those that are unusable. So wheres the Brick store? How do we get more bricks? Emotionally, its taxing to pick yourself up and begin again... from the ground up!
But thats where im at... ground floor! Ive got my pile of broken, shattered bricks and brick dust in front of me. I begin to sift through the rubble. Then... its like the pieces crumble even more. ONE DAY... I will get this pile removed... all the pieces salvaged for reuse that can be reused. But that day doesnt seem to be today, or tomorrow. Who knows when that day will come?
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